shock absorber

i wasn't myself lately... when i'm busy (not actually busy, but when i'm doing something or talking to someone) i'm OKAY... they would probably think that i'm STRONG.. i am a JOLLY person.. a person who love to laugh and play (just like a child).. but i am not.. i am dying inside.. i feel like i am alone, even though i am not... i am blessed with life... i have friends (well, they're all busy with their lives), i have my family (supportive family, though there are times i feel like i don't belong, at sa sarili ko pang pamilya, i just felt like no one cares for me, even them).. there are times i think of how it feels to be taken care of... it's not that i NEVER felt like that before, maybe, no not maybe, i miss being taken good care by someone, when n0 one is there.. when nobody care, but that person...

i told my best friend about it, and she told me, that i am not... maybe wala silasa tabi ko physically, per0 lagi silang andiyan for me...and she told me that i can be strong.. and i know that i need to be one... i have to be one...


i choose to be single, not because i'm not yet over my past, but because, hindi ko pa nakikita o nararamdaman ung love ulet... i'm getting tired being single, pero, i'm not gonna let it kill me... don't want to seek for it, i want to come it naturally, when GOD wants me to..kahit na gusto ko mainlove ulet, wala pang binibigay ulet si GOD sa kin... perhaps, GOD is preparing some0ne very special... s0me0ne He knows i deserve... i'm praying for it... i am prepared for it... namimiss ko na yung time na in love... na parang i can shout for joy and love and contentment.. ahihihi, lumalabas na naman kasi ang pagiging hopeless romantic ko, hehehe.. i just miss being in love...


sana dumating na sya before Christmas... ahihhihi, nagrequest pa ng date ng pagdating...


people might see me strong and laughing, but inside, i'm crying, dying..

**?????**

i'm having a hard time sleeping na naman... my job, of course is affected... i came late every morning, but my mind and body can function naman okay... nagagawa ko na naman ung trabaho ko ng maayos... marami nga akong trabaho na rush eh.. per0 i'm not complaining naman kasi, okay naman na ganun... my brother told me to st0p thinking things... eh hindi ko nga lam kung ano nga ba ang nasa utak ko... kaya nga siguro gustong gusto ko na busy ako para kahit pano mawala na ung kung ano man eto... ang hirap ng pakiramdam na parang lumulutang ang utak... i'm getting tired... i don't know why it seems that until now, wala pa rin ang peace of mind na GUSTONG GUSTO ko... wala naman ako tinatapakang tao... nanahimik ang buhay ko.... hindi man colorful ang buhay ko tulad ng iba pero masasabi ko rin naman na masaya ako... ayoko ng ipakita ang WEAK na ako... gusto kong makilala rin ako sa pagiging STRONG ko... na KAYA ko.. kahit minsan gusto ko ng sumabog.... (nakakaawa na ba ako?) i'm making myself strong, for my own benefit... i know i should...


i need my peace of mind... the only thing i wanted... T_T