Heart and Soul Under Renovation

I’m not good with words… Most of the time I’m lost of words… many times, I am misunderstood by words I used… maybe that’s why I hurt people without noticing it or even if I do, its too late.

My life seems boring… my closest friends are busy either with work or with their studies.. my best friend Erika is in Singapore, working and having the time of her life and I am very happy for her… Rose Anne is in Manila (same as Erika), working and enjoying life… now that she and her sister live on their own (which I want and love to do for a very long time)… Ghaye for sometime, visits me every time she has time.. Acel is busy seeking a job, I barely see her, and we never had a constant communication… but its okay… we know that we are friends.. Aside from them, Mel, Jacq and Gab are busy with their studies, now that Gab is on his last year… Jacq, as she told me, is busy with her academics… Mel, well he just too busy with her studies and her cyber world, hehehe… my Kuya or my shoulder-to-cry on D5 is busy with his work (its been a long time since we talked… I miss how he became my hanky and I will always thank him for those times…) after my failed relationship with my best guy friend (whom for 4 years been my constant kuya, clown, hanky, punching bag, companion, friend, adviser, confidant, so on and so fort… which reminds me that life after all is not a fairy tale), I never had a CONSTANT OTHER HALF… to share my thoughts.. pain and happiness, failure and success, tears and laughter.. after that I feel so alone.. empty.. broken… living dead.. scattered… THAT WAS BEFORE… it took me a while before I got back to reality.. it took me a while before I could sleep soundly.. and bring back my lost appetite… I remember that I almost kill myself working.. I love over time that time… I never ate breakfast and by that time I barely eat my dinner and even lunch… a tablespoon or two, will do, just to please my mom and brother… I lost almost ¼ of my original weight… I never thought of my failing health, for that time, what I want is to die… which until now, I REGRET… and the last thing is that I forgot that I still have a life.. life to live.. to enjoy.. to cherish and to prosper… how much happiness brought this for me is the same pain I got from it.. I never regret any decisions I made… perhaps, the only thing I did wrong, is the fact that I hurt not only myself, nor the person I used to love but my FAMILY.. the only thing I knew that particular days are pain that kill every single piece of me..

THAT WAS BEFORE…

I’ve learned so much from that experience… Vanquished by the power of it..

And because I am not good in words.. this is half of what I think my life is…I accidentally browsed this one from a writer (I don’t remember her name..) hehehe

“My heart is neither here nor there.. Not that I lack “significant others”. I’m just having one of those blah days when my heart just refuses to feel too much all over gain.. as I told my best friend ***, “girl bakit ganon? Parang pagod na akong makipagrelasyon (the thing with me is that I’m not tired of getting into relationship, I just had one, so bakit mapapagod)… Di ko na ‘ata kaya magseryoso!’ Her reply struck me, “di ka pagod, girl. Takot ka lang.. (bulls eye, I just felt so afraid..) sa dami ng pinagdaanan mo sa love.. di mo na alam kung sino ang sincere at sino ang hindi..

“So is my heart just tired of going through the whole gamut of emotions or has it become so afraid of what it wants the most? (my heart seems to be so afraid that it may be scattered again into tiny little pieces) They say love is the answer.. now it’s the questions…

“Considering all the emotional investment I’ve wisely (and unwisely) made many heartbeats and heartaches ago.. my heart feels like its on the brick of bankruptcy.. is there any heart out there that’s worthy enough to be a safety deposit box of all my leftover dreams and desires?”(though it will not be the same as before, for me...)

“I’ve been through hell and back in the name of love.. Now, my heart is in limbo.. how long before I get to Paradise?” (my heart is in limbo, same as her...)

My auntie, even my brother, told me to give Gab a chance, not only him but give myself a chance... my heart is in limbo... i don't want to force myself to commit when in the end, i might hurt him... the only problem with me, being single, is what other people would say.. either they say I'M YET OVER WITH MY EX.. THAT I STILL LOVE HIM.. but one way or another, i don't care... i know myself, and i know i'm over him.. he'll be forever loved by me, because, he's not just an ex-boyfriend, but a FRIEND... for others it may sound hypocrite, but that's the truth.. that's what i know and believe.. its been a year, we both have our lives (separately... we are not a constant textmate.. we never had hellos and hi every day, but we know that in both ends we have each other as friends...) i never had grudges in my heart... only acceptance and forgiveness.. i'm happy now that i can do things on own... i'm happy that i'm the old me... changes maybe inevitable but what good about it is that i mature .. if not trusting again maybe a childish act, perhaps i'm just afraid of some sort of another rollercoaster ride of emotions...how i love to LOVE... Bianca Gonzalez said: " the worst and best thing about love for me is how it is my greatest weakness but it's also where i draw my greats strength from.. "

love bring us immeasurable happiness but can also give us unbearable pain..

my heart is NEW..

my soul STILL UNDER RENOVATION.. where only GOD can renovate...