Extra Happy Birthday

i received a lots of birthday greetings, but two were special... yung message kasi maikli lang per0 pun0ng pun0 ng care at love..

i'm happy on my birthday....i celebrated it with my family, nothing can be more happier than that... and for the first time on my birthday, i went to my father's tomb to celebrate with him... it was s0mething personal and special, kasi i went there alone ( gusto k0 sana magtagal per0 natakot ak0 sa isang mamang lasing... ), talking to him, made me cry for a while... i told him that i really miss him kahit hindi k0 sya nakasama ng matagal... and even told him na i wish kasama ko sya, namin sya... my life would be different... its not that i want to change everything in my life...gusto k0 lang na sana he's still beside us... i asked him to hug me that time, kasi i want s0me comfort, pero hindi nangyari... i wish i had the chance... i really wanted to hug him, lalo na ngay0ng mga panah0ng ito... last night i asked also God na payagan ang tatay k0 na ihug ako, per0 sigur0, hindi pa pede...


kaming tatl0 (me, my m0m and my br0ther) ang sabay sabay na bumisita dun... kung buhay pa sya ngay0n, he's 52 na.. sabi nga ng m0m ko, he's t00 old na, kasi 11 years yung age gap nila... and 29 years naman sa akin, kay bunso 30 years siguro... nag-imagine pa nga kami, what he looks like... shempre, marami na rin syang puting buh0k... kamukang kamuka nya si buns0..

i really miss my tatay...


and then it i'm very happy and complete on my birthday!

nothing is constant but change

changes is inevitable.. and because of that, people get hurt, be able to hurt others and eventually lead to something w0rst or maybe good thing...


life is full of surprises... mahirap hawakan kung ano ang meron ka ngayon, kasi it might be gone sa hindi mo inaasahan... kaya nga siguro, we have to enjoy things while it lasts, enjoy everything kung ano ang meron sa NGAYON, kasi baka bukas, wala na... it sad but true... we can't say na naka-fix na because its not naman talaga.. people change and we can't do anything about it... we can't force them to stay the same...


just a thought - more of a question...


bakit may mga taong umaagaw ng happiness from someone else's happiness.. i mean, for example, you have your boyfriend, for less than a month, hindi kayo nagkikita because of your work or something like that, and then you found out, that his dating another girl... why, if that girl know that that guy is committed, still have to go on their way, i mean, of course i understand that, maybe the guy is pursuing it, but then when you know its wrong, bakit kailangan mo ipagpatuloy... when you know, its gonna break your girlfriends heart.. and change EVERYTHING...

its not bad to be happy, or wish to be happy, but then, its more peaceful and happy, when you know you're happy without having hurt someone else right?

i've read it and i share with you, "Just because something is good doesn't mean we should pursue it right now. We have to remember that, the right thing at the wrong time is still WRONG." This phrase says it all... i don't have to explain much further..

at the end, its not the third party that should be blame alone... because, it your other half pursue it, and you're happy, we can't do anything but let go..

pero kung kaya pa ayusin, why not... there's no harm in trying... and there's nothing wrong of making mistakes, (because we're only human, but we have to THINK...) when you know you'll learn from it and not commit the same mistakes...


(and by the way, i'm not saying this because i've been through this, but because i know, someone is going through the same situation, i hate the idea, but i understand both of them, and that i know i love them both...)


why stole someone's happiness when you can have your own..? why have to hurt someone to have someone who's someone else's happiness? I still don't get it...


I am not bitter..And this isn't about me... I love the person who's in this situati0n.. i love them both... i can't afford to see that person in vain - in pain...

this isn't the end of this post.. i'll update it sonner...

thank you!

if not for my best friend Erika, nakagawa na naman ako ng maling decision... she's always there for me not only to listen, and give advise (i mean GOOD advises) but she enlighten me and open my mind... she loves me that's why lahat ng sinasabi nya tinatamaan ako... she never fail to make me understand the things na naguguluhan ako... pero hindi sya nandidikta.. sarap ng pakiramdam having her as my VERY TRUE BEST FRIEND..

if not her, t*nga - t*nga na naman ako...

out ot boredom

i wish i was i child.. thinking nothing but to play around with friends...

all i want it happiness...


tapos bigla ko naman naaalala ung quote na binigay ko sa buong klase when i'm still studying... nakalimutan ko na ung mismong quote pero para sa akin ang meaning nun eh, "dahil you're searching for the happines, you tend to be sad and lalo hindi mo makikita ung happines na gusto mo.." Siguro nga that's the reason why SOMETIMES i tend to be sad, kasi, hindi ko nman hinahanap pero siguro naiinip lang ako kaya minsan malungkot ako...



kaya i WISH i am a CHILD....

>>>>>>sakit ng ulo ko mode<<<<<<<<<<<<

@?????@

i was hoping for something this year...


naiinip na ako pero sa prayers ko every night at kahit kelan ako magpray - i am praying for my happiness (shempre ndi lang naman ung happines ko, mahaba kasi ung prayers ko, ahihihi.).. naiinip na rin kasi ako, gusto ko na rin kasi ang "ma-inlove" ulet.. per0, wala pa binibigay si GoD para sakin... hindi naman ako nagrereklamo (sino ba ako para magreklamo dba?), siguro parang si GoD may gusto pa syang matutunan ako, na ako lang, na mag-isa ko lang matutunan... gusto ko ulet maranasan na magmahal at mahalin... ung kulitan sa text at kapag magkasama... stuff i love doing for someone special - some i love.. nakakamiss pero hindi pa nga ata eto ang tamang panahon... wish ko lang dumating na sya, SOON!... hindi naman po ako masyado demanding GoD, basta kung kelan alam nyo na i am prepared and deserving.. sorry rin Po kasi I'm asking TOO much from You at masyado na akong nangungulit... natatakot lang po ako na baka hindi ko na makaya na pasanin o ikimkim lahat ng feelings ko... wala na rin kasi akong constant confidant, maliban sa Inyo... ayoko naman po na magshare sa family ko, not becuase hindi ako close sa kanila, pero ayoko lang po na makadagdag sa burdens at problems nila.. kaya minsan i rather keep it to myself, even crying at night , sleeping at 3:00 am in the morning... i'm hoping for something that would make me feel so light and happy... i even asked myself, what have i done? i was so d*mn disappointed when i failed You, because, you still want me to hold on... i am...


but sometimes, i get tired and need a rest from feeling so alone... i know i'm not because i have the most wonderful family, not perfect but happy family... i want them to see that Abbie is matured and woman enough to face whatever i am going through... i can't help but cry when i thought nobody cares for me... even a single "How are you?" make a lot of difference.. i can't help but cry then smile, kasi may nakakaalala pa pala sa kin.. i feel so alone kahit there are people who still care and love me... hindi ko na nga alam kung san ako nanggagaling ang feeling na mag-isa ako, for in fact i have ALMOST everything... pero siguro nga, hindi lahat pedeng meron... GoD has its own way of making His people happy...

gusto ko lang na maranasan ulet na mahalin - pero this TIME for REAL not for REEL... ung kayang tanggapin ang AKO at kung ano ang hindi ako.. lahat kahit ng imperfections ko...

un lang...


happiness and peace of mind...



PEACE-LOVE-HAPPINESS!!!

lies versus truth

"pwede ba ulet kitang ligawan?"

hindi na nya alam kung matatawa sya sa kinikilos ng binata o maiinis dito...

sa tagal na nilang magkasama, alam na nya ang mga body language nito...

sabay sabing, "kailangan nating mag-usap."

"marami ng nagbago sa 'yo, "


>>> ngayon, hindi ko na maalala ang iba pang sinabi nya...yan na lang yung mga natandaan ko...


pati sa panaginip... bakit kapag hindi ko na naiisip saka dumadating yung ganitong instances...? nakakabaliw ang mag-isip ng mga ganoong bagay...

kasalanan ko ba ito?


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

its been a lost time... i don't know where i am... i'm happy... i'm contented... yet something is missing... busy na ang mga friends ko...

5 years ago...
bago lang ako sa school, walang kakilala, i chose the morning class, bakit nga ba morning class ang napili ko? kaya ayun, laging late... pero pumapasa naman ako sa mga exams, pero muntik ng bumagsak sa attendance... nagstart na ang klase... una, mga schoolmate nung highschool lang ang kakilala... hanggang sa makilala na ang buong klase sa tulong ng mga activities... iilan ang mga naging kaclose ko.. hindi naman ako mapili sa kaibigan... pero asan na nga ba ang mga iyon.. wala na akong balita sa kanila...


ung mga taong hindi ko inaasahang andyan sa panahong d0wn ako, dun ko sila nakilala.. hindi ako iniwan... bagkus mas minahal pa... ang aking TAOS PUSONG pasasalamat - alam nyo naman kung sino kayo...

hindi na ako katulad ng dati na s0brang bitter sa mga masasamang nangyari sa kin... maraming bagay ang pinagpapasalamat ko sa mga taong umiwan, humusga, nanakit, at tumira sa akin ng patalikod... maaaring hindi ko alam ang mga pangalan nila at ang rason nila para gawin iyon pero kahit matagal na ito, natutunan ko na patawarin sila kahit na napakasakit at mananatiling may sugat o bahid nito... pero ito ang nagpatatag sa akin... akala ko noon wala akong nagawang kasalanan para madeserve ito, pero kahit ngayon hindi ko alam ang nagawa ko sa kanila - humihingi din ako ng kapatawaran.. sa aking mga nasabi, nasulat na maaaring nakasakit sa kanila.. patawad po...


patawad na naging selfish ako... patawad kong na-deprived ko kay0 na maging masaya sa umpisa pa lang... at salamat at ngayon alam ko na tot0o..Hindi man ang buong katotohanan pero sapat na para ako'y malinawagan...


sa huli, isang pasasalamat at kapatawaran...

shock absorber

i wasn't myself lately... when i'm busy (not actually busy, but when i'm doing something or talking to someone) i'm OKAY... they would probably think that i'm STRONG.. i am a JOLLY person.. a person who love to laugh and play (just like a child).. but i am not.. i am dying inside.. i feel like i am alone, even though i am not... i am blessed with life... i have friends (well, they're all busy with their lives), i have my family (supportive family, though there are times i feel like i don't belong, at sa sarili ko pang pamilya, i just felt like no one cares for me, even them).. there are times i think of how it feels to be taken care of... it's not that i NEVER felt like that before, maybe, no not maybe, i miss being taken good care by someone, when n0 one is there.. when nobody care, but that person...

i told my best friend about it, and she told me, that i am not... maybe wala silasa tabi ko physically, per0 lagi silang andiyan for me...and she told me that i can be strong.. and i know that i need to be one... i have to be one...


i choose to be single, not because i'm not yet over my past, but because, hindi ko pa nakikita o nararamdaman ung love ulet... i'm getting tired being single, pero, i'm not gonna let it kill me... don't want to seek for it, i want to come it naturally, when GOD wants me to..kahit na gusto ko mainlove ulet, wala pang binibigay ulet si GOD sa kin... perhaps, GOD is preparing some0ne very special... s0me0ne He knows i deserve... i'm praying for it... i am prepared for it... namimiss ko na yung time na in love... na parang i can shout for joy and love and contentment.. ahihihi, lumalabas na naman kasi ang pagiging hopeless romantic ko, hehehe.. i just miss being in love...


sana dumating na sya before Christmas... ahihhihi, nagrequest pa ng date ng pagdating...


people might see me strong and laughing, but inside, i'm crying, dying..

**?????**

i'm having a hard time sleeping na naman... my job, of course is affected... i came late every morning, but my mind and body can function naman okay... nagagawa ko na naman ung trabaho ko ng maayos... marami nga akong trabaho na rush eh.. per0 i'm not complaining naman kasi, okay naman na ganun... my brother told me to st0p thinking things... eh hindi ko nga lam kung ano nga ba ang nasa utak ko... kaya nga siguro gustong gusto ko na busy ako para kahit pano mawala na ung kung ano man eto... ang hirap ng pakiramdam na parang lumulutang ang utak... i'm getting tired... i don't know why it seems that until now, wala pa rin ang peace of mind na GUSTONG GUSTO ko... wala naman ako tinatapakang tao... nanahimik ang buhay ko.... hindi man colorful ang buhay ko tulad ng iba pero masasabi ko rin naman na masaya ako... ayoko ng ipakita ang WEAK na ako... gusto kong makilala rin ako sa pagiging STRONG ko... na KAYA ko.. kahit minsan gusto ko ng sumabog.... (nakakaawa na ba ako?) i'm making myself strong, for my own benefit... i know i should...


i need my peace of mind... the only thing i wanted... T_T

after a very long period of time, i am back for blogging... hindi kasi ako madalas mag update kasi naman s0brang dami kong iniisip parang nakakapagod na... at ngayon, may sleepless nights na naman ako o kung hindi s0brang late na kung makatulog...

masaya naman ako ngayon.. lalo na at may sariling business na ang family namin... ang Madrileño Restaurant.. ang butihin kong ina ang magpapatakbo nito kasama ay kanyang 2 kapatid na babae... sa wakas, nakaalis na rin ang nanay ko sa anino ng kanyang boss na walang ginawa kundi maliitin ang kanyang kakayahan... patawad po pero sa dami ng masasakit na salita, sa aking pananaw, hindi lamang bilang anak, kundi bilang tao, hindi deserving ang nanay ko mga salitang binitawan niya... at bilang anak, masakit na maraning ang mga iyon... sa 16 years of service ng nanay ko sa kanya, hindi nga nakuha ng nanay ko ang mga benepisyong dapat ay sa kanya... pero tapos na un.. nakabawi na rin naman kami.. ang maaaring sabihin na lang ay SALAMAT.. salamat sa experience at knowledge... :)


at ako... si abbie...

asan na nga ba ako?


hindi ko na nga alam kung asan na nga ba ako...


masaya naman ako.... ang tanong, kelan, kanino at paano muling titibok ang puso ko..?? ang lalim ahihi.. pero sa tot0o, namimiss ko na ung tipong inaalagaan at may inialagaan... ung tipong kakampi kapag badtrip na badtrip na ako sa mundo... ahihihi, nakakamiss lang... kung sana matutunan ko nang mahalin si gab.. sana sya na lang... pero, pasaway ata ang puso ko... kahit gaano KA-GUSTO ng UTAK ko na mahalin sya, ganun naman ang pag-tanggi ng PUSO ko.. nakakainis db? eh di sana mas maganda at mas tahimik ang buhay ko... sana sya na lang diba?

inspired by blogger like me..

maraming beses na sa pag-update ko masyado akong SELFISH.. come to think of it, lagi na lang about myself, my sadness even my happiness.. ang buhay na ko walang extra ordinary... hindi ko nga naiisip ung ibang bagay... maaring aware ako sa pagtaas ng pamasahe, krimen sa buong bansa, (lalo na sa lalawigang kinabibilangan ng San Pablo... nitong buwan ng Mayo, dalawang magkasunod ng karumaldumal na krimen ang nangyari... ang pagkamatay ng sampo (10) katao sa RCBC, Cabuyao Branch... ilang araw matapos ang krimen, walo (8) ang walang habas na pinagbabaril sa Calamba Laguna, pati ang mga inosenteng bata ang nadamay... nasabi rin sa balita na ang Laguna ay isa sa mga lalawigan na maaaring i-link sa Drugs.. ) kontrobersiya sa gobyerno at marami pang iba... pero ngayon, nakabasa lang ako ng post sa blog ng isang blogger na tulad ko... topic nya: Global Warming... ako na lang ata sa mundo ang hindi nakakaalam ng t0t00 at buong katotohanan ng isyung ito... maaring ang ilan sa limapung paraan para masulosyunan ito ay nagagawa ko per0 hindi pa rin sapat bilang isang taong dapat mangalaga sa ating kalikasan, kung hindi paano na tayo kapag tuluyang nasira ito..

isa lang naman po ang nais kung iparating... maaaring sa simpleng mga ginagawa natin sa araw-araw ay maaring makatulong para maisaayos at maisalba ang aking kalikasan at ang MUNDO... maging responsable po tayo bilang naninirahan dito...


share ko po sa inyo ang blog id nya para mabasa nyo rin.. pati na rin ang Blog Award Challenge.


http://klitorika.blogspot.com/2008/04/read-and-push-to-start.html


http://www.theblogawardchallenge.com/


salamat po at GoD Bless!

something weird

i don't know what's happening.... its just that most of the time, i feel like something is holding me back from making decision... and its bothering me..


i want to do things i believe i should have done for a long time...


but here i am..


still undecided..


confused...


lagi na lang kapag gusto ko ng gawin ang bagay na 'yun lagi na lang susulpot kahit sa panaginip... unconsciously, parang un ang nagsasabi sa kin na huwag.. but then it was long overdue... i should have done this a long time...


eto na ung time eh... baket kasi hindi na lang ako patahimikin? hindi naman ako nanggugulo.. i'm making the most out of this life... nahihirapan na rin ako na, i woke up in the middle of the night with clear vision of my dream - or maybe a nightmare... i have almost everything, except PEACE OF MIND... kung alin pa ung gustong gusto ko... i'm tired and exhausted... i want to have it yet ang ilap.. ang hirap ma-achieve...



kaya na lang laging nakukuwestiyon ang buhay ko... kung bakit ganito? kung bakit ganyan? kung bakit hindi? at marami pang bakit? nakakapagod.. nakakainis.. minsan kung pede na lang sanang magtago na lang ako o kaya bigla na lang ako tumigil na isipin at pansinin ang mga sinasabi nila.... nakakapagod na rin... nakakasawa...



ang gusto ko lang maging masaya at magkaroon ng PEACE OF MIND...



masama ba un? s0bra ba ung gusto ko?



hindi pa ako karapat-dapat...?


pagod na pagod na ako....



------------------

nakalimutan ko na anniversary pala ng blog ko last may 17... 3 years of blogging... ang nag-iisang outlet ng buhay ko on cyberspace... 3 years and still counting right...


sad that it reminds me of something -- someone!!!!

overwhelming

it is my dream t0 be accepted.. from who i am, what i can be and what i am not... to be loved and to feel the warmth of acceptance.. my dream to feel the welcoming arms of people close to the one i love...


i am not a perfect girl they see.. am just an ordinary girl with an ordinary dream with an ordinary beliefs in life... am open about things my environment has..


it wasn't intentional, i was being myself and enjoying every single moment.. but i am very happy that they like me... it is overwhelming.. it is extra-ordinary... this is the first time i feel like i belong.. i feel like i home... it's different and though i feel shy and somewhat uncomfortable, i am happy...


its just that i feel like asking myself, have i done somethings special about it? i guess none... as i've said i'm being myself... am just being me...


others may not see it before, maybe they have different way of showing their acceptance or maybe - just maybe - showing their affection and approval....


have a great day....

2 Heads Are Better than 1

after a month of puyat, pagod, bonding, at kung anong anik-anik pa... natapos na rin namin ang invitation, exactly sa deadline namin... (April 26, 2008) and it feels great to hear compliments... hehehehe, and i love it... first time kasi makagawa eh, tapos sa special couples pa... ang saya db? with the help of jacq: "tol sobrang thank you, ndi lang sa help kundi pati sa bonding time..nakakamiss db?"

eto po ang sample... ahihihi

this is the final look, with the envelope... ahihi

ano masasabi ny0?

front sheet.. sweet nila db?

Bikoy and Bikay Nuptial...

Top Sheet

Bridal Entourage

Secondary Sponsor

Alcos-Bombita Numptial

Reception

*** sweetness***

ilang araw na lang at Wedding Ceremony to be solemnized at Saint Francis of Asisi Parish Church on the 10th of May 2008...

...excited na nga ako eh...

hehehe

May the Unconditional Love of our Lord Jesus Christ bless them...

Best Wishes in advances ate bhel and kuya bikoy...(~_^)

just updates

i've been signing in and signing out for sometime..nag-dadalawang isip if magpo-post ako ng bago dito..just to update sa mga nangyari sa kin this past few weeks... masyadong maraming thought kaya parang nagra-ramble na sila sa utak ko.. kaya siguro pakiramdam ko s0brang napapagod na ako..

WEDDING.
for 5 weeks ko inasikaso ang invitation nina ate bhel at kuya eng.. s0brang dami ng isipin at kung pano mapapaganda ang invitation (for the 1st time nakagawa ako nun, para pa sa mga special na tao... *happy*).. at kahit na pagod at puyat, i had fun... sabi nga ni jacq, lahat ng emotions andun na.. tuwa, takot, lungkot, badtrip,kilig, asar, epal at kung ano ano pa... at ito na rin ung pinaka matagal na bonding namin ni jacq.. kasama si aj at gab... minsan na nga lang umuwi si jacq sa Rizal.. malaking abala ang nagawa ko, pero WORTH IT aman eh.. hindi na rin ako makapaglaba... for 3 consecutive Saturday.. pero to top it all, WORTH lahat ng pagod... ilang araw na lang at BIG DAY na nila...
** pictures - soon!***

FAMILY
madaming nangyayari sa bahay.. pero hindi naman pedeng iupdate ko lahat dito.. kahit konti naman eh dapat magtira ng privacy.. its just that it makes me sad everytime maiisip ko ung problema dun.. (actually ndi aman matatawag talaga na problema ng pamilya, pero apektado talaga ako, one way or another).and i am afraid sa mga pedeng mangyari.. i just wish i have someone to share it with, para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.. *sad*


LOVE
matagal na akong walang lovelife.. more than a year na... i had flings but then serious relationship wasn't meant for me.. i mean, ndi kasi ako ung tipong mabilis ma-inlove eh... kaya nga siguro may ibang taong nag-iisip na hindi pa ako nakaka-moved on after my failed relationship.. pero napapagod na rin ako mag-explain eh.. napapagod na rin akong idepensa ang sarili ko, so ngayon, wala akong pakialam if un ang pinaniniwalaan nila.. i know myself better... hindi naman ako ipokrita, i still care about him but not because i love him still but because we are friends.. ipokrita man o showbis ang dating sa iba.. i don't give a d*mn.. *wala lang*


WORK
sobrang naiinip na ko na dumating na ung month ng July... i am hoping for new things to come and new people to meet.. plus the fact that i can explore the real world.. kailangan ko na rin mag-asikaso ng papers, Passport for my future plans... sobrang tagal ko nang hinihintay ang chance na to.. madami na rin akong napalampas ng opportunity sa labas ng trabaho ko... hirap kasi ako sa salitang "GOODBYE".. but then, we have to move on and we have to make a choice...i am not getting any younger, hindi naman bumabata ang tao... i have plans for myself and of course for my mom... tama naman siguro na isipin ko ung future ko db? well, kung tuuusin, malapit na rin aman.. sa bilis ng panahon, madali ng lilipas ang mga buwan, baka bukas July na.. *happy*



........ GodSpeed!!!!.....

sadness under the heat of summer

its been a long time since i updated this blog.. I've been busy with the Wedding Invitation for Ate Bhel and Kuya Reniel... With help from Jackie, matatapos na sya before mag April 20 (sana aman)... masaya aman kasi s0brang daming ang nangyari.. but before that, Congrats to the Graduates of Batch 2008.. My best friend ERIKA, to Kuya Gerald, and Gab... congratz guys.. new beginning, ayt?


Hindi naman ako s0brang malungkot, as a matter of fact, masaya naman ang buhay ko.. Hindi naman ako naghahanap ng "someone or the other half of me".. masaya naman ako kahit mag-isa... tulad ng lagi kong sinasabi, marami na ako natutunan sa pag-iisa ko... simple things that can make me happy.. simple hi from those who remembers.. simple gesture and kindness.. simple compliments....

nalulungkot lang ako, that somehow, dahil sa pagpili kong mag-isa... nakakalimutan ko na nakakasakit na ako ng tao... matagal na NYA ako iniintay... tinatanong ko na rin ang sarili ko, kung umaasa na lang ba sya sa WALA... ayoko kasi pilitin ang sarili ko, ayoko dumating ung time na susumbatan ako dahil sa mga magagawa ko..hindi man sya ganun, natatakot pa rin ako... honest naman ako sa kanya.. alam ko na kahit sabihin nya na walang problema, hindi maaaring hindi maapektuhan ang naumpisahan naming magandang friendship... masyado na akong nadala sa ganung bagay..


i am ready for a relationship but scared... scared i can not fulfill it.. dahil alam kung iba ang ABI NOON at ABI NGAYON... kung sana kaya kung ibalik ang DATING AKO... ung kayang sumugal para maging masaya ang 1 tao... kung kaya ko lang na MAHALIN SYA.... kung kaya ko lang...

:( life wont be the same

changes is inevitable... it makes me sad at times...
i wish i can go back to those days i am sure what i want...
i wish i can go back to those days i am sure what can make me smile...
i wish i can go back to those days i am sure what can make me feel COMPLETE...



current mood:

*** so sick... so sleepy***
***wanted to rest ***

Heart and Soul Under Renovation

I’m not good with words… Most of the time I’m lost of words… many times, I am misunderstood by words I used… maybe that’s why I hurt people without noticing it or even if I do, its too late.

My life seems boring… my closest friends are busy either with work or with their studies.. my best friend Erika is in Singapore, working and having the time of her life and I am very happy for her… Rose Anne is in Manila (same as Erika), working and enjoying life… now that she and her sister live on their own (which I want and love to do for a very long time)… Ghaye for sometime, visits me every time she has time.. Acel is busy seeking a job, I barely see her, and we never had a constant communication… but its okay… we know that we are friends.. Aside from them, Mel, Jacq and Gab are busy with their studies, now that Gab is on his last year… Jacq, as she told me, is busy with her academics… Mel, well he just too busy with her studies and her cyber world, hehehe… my Kuya or my shoulder-to-cry on D5 is busy with his work (its been a long time since we talked… I miss how he became my hanky and I will always thank him for those times…) after my failed relationship with my best guy friend (whom for 4 years been my constant kuya, clown, hanky, punching bag, companion, friend, adviser, confidant, so on and so fort… which reminds me that life after all is not a fairy tale), I never had a CONSTANT OTHER HALF… to share my thoughts.. pain and happiness, failure and success, tears and laughter.. after that I feel so alone.. empty.. broken… living dead.. scattered… THAT WAS BEFORE… it took me a while before I got back to reality.. it took me a while before I could sleep soundly.. and bring back my lost appetite… I remember that I almost kill myself working.. I love over time that time… I never ate breakfast and by that time I barely eat my dinner and even lunch… a tablespoon or two, will do, just to please my mom and brother… I lost almost ¼ of my original weight… I never thought of my failing health, for that time, what I want is to die… which until now, I REGRET… and the last thing is that I forgot that I still have a life.. life to live.. to enjoy.. to cherish and to prosper… how much happiness brought this for me is the same pain I got from it.. I never regret any decisions I made… perhaps, the only thing I did wrong, is the fact that I hurt not only myself, nor the person I used to love but my FAMILY.. the only thing I knew that particular days are pain that kill every single piece of me..

THAT WAS BEFORE…

I’ve learned so much from that experience… Vanquished by the power of it..

And because I am not good in words.. this is half of what I think my life is…I accidentally browsed this one from a writer (I don’t remember her name..) hehehe

“My heart is neither here nor there.. Not that I lack “significant others”. I’m just having one of those blah days when my heart just refuses to feel too much all over gain.. as I told my best friend ***, “girl bakit ganon? Parang pagod na akong makipagrelasyon (the thing with me is that I’m not tired of getting into relationship, I just had one, so bakit mapapagod)… Di ko na ‘ata kaya magseryoso!’ Her reply struck me, “di ka pagod, girl. Takot ka lang.. (bulls eye, I just felt so afraid..) sa dami ng pinagdaanan mo sa love.. di mo na alam kung sino ang sincere at sino ang hindi..

“So is my heart just tired of going through the whole gamut of emotions or has it become so afraid of what it wants the most? (my heart seems to be so afraid that it may be scattered again into tiny little pieces) They say love is the answer.. now it’s the questions…

“Considering all the emotional investment I’ve wisely (and unwisely) made many heartbeats and heartaches ago.. my heart feels like its on the brick of bankruptcy.. is there any heart out there that’s worthy enough to be a safety deposit box of all my leftover dreams and desires?”(though it will not be the same as before, for me...)

“I’ve been through hell and back in the name of love.. Now, my heart is in limbo.. how long before I get to Paradise?” (my heart is in limbo, same as her...)

My auntie, even my brother, told me to give Gab a chance, not only him but give myself a chance... my heart is in limbo... i don't want to force myself to commit when in the end, i might hurt him... the only problem with me, being single, is what other people would say.. either they say I'M YET OVER WITH MY EX.. THAT I STILL LOVE HIM.. but one way or another, i don't care... i know myself, and i know i'm over him.. he'll be forever loved by me, because, he's not just an ex-boyfriend, but a FRIEND... for others it may sound hypocrite, but that's the truth.. that's what i know and believe.. its been a year, we both have our lives (separately... we are not a constant textmate.. we never had hellos and hi every day, but we know that in both ends we have each other as friends...) i never had grudges in my heart... only acceptance and forgiveness.. i'm happy now that i can do things on own... i'm happy that i'm the old me... changes maybe inevitable but what good about it is that i mature .. if not trusting again maybe a childish act, perhaps i'm just afraid of some sort of another rollercoaster ride of emotions...how i love to LOVE... Bianca Gonzalez said: " the worst and best thing about love for me is how it is my greatest weakness but it's also where i draw my greats strength from.. "

love bring us immeasurable happiness but can also give us unbearable pain..

my heart is NEW..

my soul STILL UNDER RENOVATION.. where only GOD can renovate...

great day...

i never thought that it could be like this.. i am very much thankful na sa oras na yun, God is with me...i felt His presence, telling me "You can do it!, Its now or never." God made it possible... it was nerve wracking, i felt i was shaking... i was very nervous yet thank GOD i put those thoughts into words...


this 2008 has been very good, though maybe, it was on the 2nd month, i don't care... things for me are falling to its right places...

i am happy.. i am blessed..

gladness & overflowing happiness....

good thing na hindi na ako malungkot... good news that i've learned so much with this crazy life i have... and thank GOD for those... though as a normal human being, minsan naiisip ko pa rin sya... well, maybe because it WAS a very memorable and taught me a lot of things... things i need to learn to survive this cruel & full of fakes yet worthwhile journey of what we call LIFE...

being alone might be (for someone) sad and lonely, but for me, it wasn't that sad and lonely after all.. when you find every day without someone to share every bit of it, you'll learn to know more about yourself... as for me who choose to be alone for sometime now, learned to redeem myself from my sweetest yet drastic fall...

natututunan ko na kahit masaktan ako, hindi dapat tumigil ang buhay... lumaban sa lungkot at sakit... natututunan ko rin na maging positive the way i look about life... sabi nga sa Stuart Little, laging may SILVER LINING, hehehe, but it is very true...naging mas positive na ako sa lahat...i smile more often... laugh from the heart and can be seen on my eyes.....at higit sa lahat mas naging mas MATATAG...


isan na lang ang hindi ko matutunan.. ang mag-TIWALA ulet... darating din naman un...


SA TAMANG PANAHON...


^_*

questions and why?

i'm just blessed with a family who never fail to understand and listen... a family whom i can always count on.. a family whom i can run to when the whole world turn its back on me... i had this conversation with my closest auntie (my mom's sister).. sa s0brang dami naming napag-uusapan pati lovelife ko eh nauungat na rin... she knew that after my failed relationship, hindi pa ulet ako pumapasok sa relationship... it is because, i am not ready... not because, hindi pa ako nakakaget over... its been a year na... naka-moved on na ako... nakatulong kasi ung pag-accept ko sa bagay bagay... the only constant thing in this world is Change... at kapag nagawa mo na mag-FORGIVE, mag-ACCEPT, everything will follow... pinagkukwentohan nga nila ako, nung bumisita ung pinsan ko sa bahay... baka daw hindi pa ako makakarecover or baka nagkakausap pa kami kaya ganun... pero for me naman wala naman problem kung magkawentuhan pa kami, we're friends..


i'm not in a rush to enter to another relationship... kahit na sinasabi nila na baka isipin nya, kaya hindi pa ako napasok sa relasyon ay dahil may feelings pa...kahit wala na, ayoko pa rin mag-explain sa kahit na sino... i don't owe them that... it is my choice, and even if i am single, i am very much happy with my life... being single for the last 12 months had been a lot of fun, a lot of learning experience... it's not bad at all... but then, i am not hypocrite, there are times, that i asked myself, BAKIT NGA BA HINDI PA?... may mga willing naman, pero ako nga ang problema eh... sarili ko na kasi ang kalaban ko... hindi ko na mabalik ung tiwala sa iba... but i'm not closing my doors naman...

my friends were telling me, NAIINIP na kami... i wonder why? hindi ko naman sila binubuwisit araw-araw, maliban na lang kung may topak ako ..


so to my friends, wag kayo mainip, if its GOD's will, darating naman eh... we just have to let God takes over things, just like what i am doing...