Dreams

what a dream......? tama bang makapanaginipan ko na naman sya....?
ndi k0 na nga sya iniisip eh!!!

hayz, bakit na naman kaya?

and seems like s0brang nice nya sa dream na un....

i thought

4 months and i thought i have finally let my feelings g0ne...but then why does it seems that i still get affected with this things...when all i want to to simply forget...i just wanted to be happy.. i have mourned too much and too long...when i just thought am really okay, why this things have to happen to me.. i have let them be happy...i let them do what they want even if its hurts..


why do i have to feel empty again when i have more than 1 person who can make me feel complete....that person made me complete but then where i am n0w? am s0 lost, shattered......i hate this feeling coz i know i deserve my peace....



my story with that person has ended, but why does it seems that i still have this burden..? am tired of making myself happy and making other people happy even if am the one who will be hurt and be left...


am so tired!!!!


still am hearing the same voice... hearing the same words..words that just came out of that person mouth just to delude me and make me believe of a lie.....


why people have to lie? when all i want is the truth and a friend?



::ibang level na ang napasok kong relationship with you::
::mahihirapan rin ako without you, s0brang attached na ako sa yo::





why lie? when i need is truth?




why?

h0w can i?

nagsasawa na akong masaktan..s0brang masakit na...
ang hirap magtiwala sa mga lalaki..
nakakatak0t ng magmahal ulet..
the pain still strikes..
and yet
the one who can ease the pain
is actually the 0ne wh0 caused it!!!
terrible...!!
h0w can i be so numb?
h0w can i be s0 weak...?

video for the first time

tagal na nito eh...april pa..n0w k0 palang na-upload!! wahehehe *_*

open letters

blogging..blogging.. and blogging..

i just love blogging...

am here at ilaya.com, working while eating in front of my pc...

wahehehe, can't go home for lunch..

wahehehe

bianca mentioned in her blog that she recommend

writing an open letter coz that person might read it...


so i made this one:

kulot,

i, just want you to kn0w that i will always be a friend...and no matter what happen, n0 one can change the fact that you're my best GUY friend....all i want is to restore the w0nderful friendship we had....i know that it would take time and courage from both of us...s0brang nakapanghinayang naman kung dahil lang sa nangyari, our friendship will come to an end... am happy that you're happy, at ndi yun kaplastican...lam mo naman na kahit n00n pa, lagi lang ak0 nakasuporta sa mga decisions mo at ndi magbabago yun... i believe, we both matured enough para po maging magkaibigan ulet tayo..i h0nestly missing a friend i have in you..tulad po ng lagi ko sinasabi n00n, n0 one can replace you, you as my friend....mer0n nga ko dapat na i-email sa yo, but having a second thought of sending it to you, kasi feeling k0 ayaw mo naman ako maging kaibigan... i know, konti lang yung percentage na mabasa mo to, but then, if you'll be able to read this, the only message of it is that i really wanted to RESTORE the friendship... and that I MISS my LOLO KULOT.....my friend whom i can be myself, can cry with and laugh with...


abbhy:)

new envir0nment

nakakapag0d na..last week i'm so disturbed and b0thered by s0me thoughts i myself cant explain...am s0 tired and napupuno na ak0 sa mga nasa utak k0, but then, i still have to w0rk (xempre, need to w0rk, alangan naman maging tambay ak0 at pampasakit sa ul0 ng nanay k0...)its just that am tired of this feeling...pati na rin sigur0 ng mga tao sa paligid k0..i mean i've been w0rking f0r almost two years, same place, same pe0ple.. minsan nakakasawa na, per0 what else can i do...? sigur0 nga ndi na ak0 masaya sa trabah0 k0...kala kasi nila madali lang, yes madali lang talaga, per0 there are times na s0brang nakakapag0d, mentally & physically...ay0k0 magreklamo kn0wing marami naman naitul0ng ang trabaho sa akin...pati na rin sa kapatid k0....naghahanap lang sigur0 ak0 ng new envir0nment...new people, new experience....or maybe am getting b0red....wala na ung fulfillment k0...wala na urge to w0rk here, i dont kn0w why, per0 sa hirap maghanap ng w0rk tapos pr0blema pa ang MATA ko...san ka pa? kaya pr0blema k0 kung pan0 makakahanap ng w0rk...






Lord, am s0rry, am sobra na ata ak0ng nagiging pasaway at lagi ak0 nagrereklamo..ndi naman po...i dont have the right..kaya p0 binibigay k0 na lang p0 sa iny0 lahat... s0rry p0..

::umiyak na naman ako kagabi...dahil na naman sa kanya...kaiinis na nga ako eh....kasi nga sya walang pakialam sa akin, he d0en't even want us to be friends, tap0s sya s0brang nag-aalala ako kasi baka may pr0blem sya..i care t00 much for him but from him i am n0thing..::

gusto ko bawasan ang pag-aalala ko sa kanya..

sAmE oLd QuesTion...

anla naman, tinatanong na naman nila ako pano kung bumalik sya sa akin..

ndi ba nila ak0 maintindihan, ndi ba nila magets ung sag0t k0h..

alam naman naming lahat na imposible na ung mangyari..

ndi ayaw na nga nya akong maging kaibigan eh..what m0re of coming back db?

paulet ulet na lang kasi ung mga tan0ng, at ganun pa rin nman ang sag0t an0 ba?

b0theRed!

s0brang b0thered pa rin kaya ako, ndi k0 naman maintindihan bakit?
pang 4 days na ak0ng ganit0...i even wanted t0 cry na lang to release
something na I can’t explain…I kn0w am acting s0 strange,

even a friend of mine feels that s0mething is b0thering me…


am doing my very best to divert my attention to other things…
sa ibang ta0..even sa television

even writing … even singing

and lot more…


then this song always enters in my mind:
flames to dust
lovers to friends
why do all g00d things come to an end?
flames to dust
lovers to friends
why do all g00d things come to an end?
Come to an end…come to an end
why do all g00d things come to an end?
Come to an end…come to an end


I don’t know why am still like this, want peace of mind..
please give it back to me.. :(
WANTED: RESCUE 911
Bestfriend, please help me!!!



Wala na ako masabihan nito…
I’ve lost the one na nakakaintindi sa akin sa mga ganitong
pagkakataon sa buhay ko….


Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..


Bothered…

dreams.signs.

i don't know why my past still hunts me...two days in a r0w that i dreamed of my past..last friday, i dream of him with his girlfriend..& just this morning, i dreamed of his dad and his family...sometimes his m0m even his relatives...i don't kn0w why this dream came int0...i never think of them that much para mapanaginipan sila..yes, i do miss them..per0 ginagawa k0 na nga ang lahat para ndi ako maging s0brang attach sa family nya...kasi kahit naman ndi ako ganun kaclose sa kanila eh s0brang laki ng love k0 for them..kinoc0nsider ko sila as my extended family..

an daming bagay ang nangyayari...in just one blink, may magpapaalala sa akin...its either my magtetext or basta....natutuwa ako kasi naaalala nila ako...as in s0brang natutuwa per0, parang nasa anin0 pa rin nya ako kapag ganun...kahit s0brang masaya ako sa pinapakita nila...

nagpapasalamat na lang ako kasi s0brang naging parte ako ng buhay nila..at ung part na naalala nila ako....sana i can repay them sa pagiging nice...through prayers na lang siguro...s0brang binavalue k0 kasi sila..s0brang laki ng respet0 k0 sa kanila...masarap maging parte ng pamilyang yun..

kasi siguro lam k0 ung mga bagay na ndi lam ng iba....

wr0ng m0ve

palagi na lang bang ganito? lagi na lang mali ung nasasabi ko....


dapat kasi nag-iisip muna ako...bago umo-OO at huminde....kainis talaga...


dapat kasi magisip muna ako...bag0 magsalita...dami kasi maaapektuhan
kapag nagpunta pa ako dun....ano naman ang gagawin ko ?
ayk0 lang na magkaroon ng conflict, tapos yan na, meron na nga...



gusto ko rin sana magvolunteer dun, para naman may mgawa ako sa libreng oras ko..



gab, start na lang natin ung tutorial ko ha?


lam ko mali na naman nagawa kong move.....waaaaa




wasted na naman ako...




always.....

d0 i mAkE y0u pr0ud?

It hurts me m0st when I kn0w that some0ne
is n0t proud to be with me…
I hate this feeling of thinking of what he feels
When I am his girl…
Is he pr0ud of me when I am his girl?
I always end up asking myself…
Bkit ndi sya proud na ako ang girlfriend nya?
Siguro in a way proud sya…
Per0 bakit n00n sa mGa fRiEnds nyA
Ndi ko naramdaman na pr0ud sya..
naPapaRan0id na nAmAn ak0…
daMn mE, I – who have L0w self-estEem
& I really haTe it…

n0w I asked….


DO I MAKE YOU PROUD?


♪♫This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
Do I make you proud♪♫

lovers can be friends

somehow the cliché " Friends ca be Lovers, but Lover cannot be Friends",
can be "Friends ca be Lovers, but Lover can be Friends",
in my own opinion i guess...
for i believe that perhaps both parties have reasons
why they choose not to be friends or to be friends....


that thing is the one g0t hurts and the other one is the one who cause the hurt...
maybe the one who left feel awkward being friends with the one being left..
or the one being left still have his/her reasons not being friends with him/her..
its a reality in a ended relationship...


whats the real thing about this cliché?

and then ..........


i keep asking myself, when i know that i am the one who left alone..
i asked myself, am i ready to face me and offer my friendship....
since we started as good friends....actually the best of friends... inseparable...
but nothing has change, i still want to restore the friendship...
but since our communication has ended
h0w can we possibly be friends again...
question like is he willing to restore our friendship?
does our friendship means a lot to him?
always make me think?..
and we havent see each other and talk as friends.....

hmmm still i have questions...and it always fills my head every time i see my bestfriends Dhren.....
but it d0ent mean that i still love him the way i love him before...
things change....i've been hurt and cause a lot of pain to others
i have move on and i have let go...
n0w what i want is to prove that


'FRIENDS CAN BE LOVER AND LOVERS CAN BE FRIENDS TOO...

my self-esteem

nakakainis talaga ako...down na nman ang self-esteem ko..


dahil ba ndi ako maganda?dahil ba ndi ako matalino?dahil ndi ba ako seksi?



isang beses ko lang naramdaman na proud ung tao na un eh...kahit sa mga friends nya, p*tcha ndi ko lam ung naging proud ba sya...


d*mn tama bang maalala ko na naman un.....nakakainis kasi si ************,


buti pa sya sinasabi lagi na maganda ako, na matalino ako, na swerte ang magiging boyfriend ko, tsk tsk tsk...buti pa sila - naa-appreciate ung meron ako.... kainis naman....buti pa si gel pinapatawa ako....tnx po gel....

d*mn

wala lang...naalala ko lang, feeling ko hindi naging proud sa akin ang isang tao.....lalo na sa harap ng ibang tao......:( sad but true.....



::emo mode::

missing a friend......again

while watching PPB Season 2 episode last night, i burst into tears....my mom asked me why am i crying...sadly i remember (nope, i begun to miss) a friend....someone whom i consider as one of my blessings...i fell asleep crying -- crying like a baby...

i cried because when Bruce Quebral was about to leave the house to go to Slovenia for the Big Swap, Wendy, his close gurl HM, crying her heart out loud... telling him that "kapag magkaaway na at nagkakagulo na lahat, sila lang ang bati...."


then i thought of my Best Guy Friend.....


s0brang sakit kasi na mawawala ung taong kakampi mo sa lahat ng bagay.....that's why i burst into tears and cried....s0brang kong naalala ung pinagsamahan namin, kasi naman s0brang dati inseparable kami...all most every day kami magkasama at nagkikita....we talked anything under the sun...lahat ng frustrations, dreams, lahat talaga, as in lahat..even our biggest secrets...sobrang nakakamiss na may nasasabihan ka ng mga pr0blema, ng mga nangyari sa inyo the whole day, kwentuhan to the max, kulitan.....


Lolo Kulot namimiss na kita talaga...miss ko na ung Best Guy friend Ko... s0brang namimiss ko na h0w we bond t0gether...ung mga kwentuhan....lam ko po na masaya ka na, kahit wala na ako sa life mo..lam mo nman po na no one can replace my BEST GUY LOLO KULOT FRIEND DB? nag-iisa ka na po eh..kaw talaga ung BEST GUY FRIEND KO...



i'm not missing him as my boyfriend...i'm missing him as my bestfriend.....iba kasi Sya as friend..iba talaga........



::sadly, hindi pa ito ang tamang panahon na magkasama ulet sya bilang kaibigan...::
::only time can tell kung ano ang mangyayari, baka too late na...wala na ako::

♫♪someday...♫♪

♫♪i know you dont really see my worth.....


someday someones gonna love me
the way, i wanted you to need me....
sone day someones gonna take your place...
ooohh , someday, i forget about you...
you'll see i wont even miss you...
someday.........someday♫♪


that someday has arrived....i mean i have let my past be blown and now i'm beginning to feel something for someone i truly can't have....his heart MAYBE belong to someone else...MAYBE his past is still there.....i know that i can never have him, i'm not even sure if he loves me or he just like me as his friend....no one would know who he is...even him whom i believe appreciate my worth..someone i can call a FRIEND....who he is? i will keep that as a BIG SECRET.......
what's important is that I'M HAPPY KNOWING HIM....and HE MAKES ME FEEL IMPORTANT....

::secrets::

bLissful Time

the past months that passed are simply unpredictable....i never thought that it will happen to me....but then God has it better way of healing my heart and continue showering me with lots of reason to enj0y my life and keep on looking forward....pe0ple come and go...just like what happened to my ex-boyfriend...he came into my life and after our blissful time together, he went away...he maybe left me with my heart broken & shattered, he left me with a lesson to learned...i learned to appreciate myself, my family and other people as well.....


i wanted him to know that i still value our friendship and he is my best guy friend....and that i still consider him as one of the most important person in my life and one of the most wonderful people God had given me....he might forget me as his friend, but still he deserve a thank you from me...he knows the reason for that thank you...


Thank you for letting me in into your life and somehow be a part of your life.....Thank you...and i hope you now knew that i'm happy...am happy letting you go and i have moved on...i forget about my feelings for..and still you're my best GUY friend....no 0ne can change that......db Lolo...? :)

left...move on..forget

why is it so easy for him to take her effort of saving what they have for granted?
why is it so easy for him to just leave?
why men choose to hurt women?
why does this things has to happen?

wondering how this things happen in just one blink of the eye.....i keep asking myself, bakit ba pagpinagkatiwalaan mo ang isang tao, he ended up hurting you....leave you hanging...leaving you with nothing and empty handed...why simple things are the one who seems hard to achieve.....? why people turn to be bad even if they are not...?

bakit ang mga lalake, nang-iiwan lang...if they get what they want at kapag nagsawa na sila...bakit ndi sila makontento of what they have?

kagabi, isang kaibigan ang nag-open up sa kin...she's so hurt...full of pain...nakikita ko sa kanya ung ginawa ko for someone....ung lumaban para maisave ang relationship...per0 magkaiba kami in a way that, the person she fights for, appreciate her and still holding on... but then when one of them gives up, its the end...i just hope they find in their hearts that they deserve each other a chance...forget what happen in the past...lam kung mahirap, as in..pe0 if mahal talaga nila ang isat-isa...kaya nila eh....ang mahirap lang kasi kapag ung trust na ung nawala eh...per0 if they still love and trust each other, they deserve a chance.....at sana marealize nila un...




sadly, mine had ended.....the one i fought for given up...but then, i'm not bitter anymore....i actually learned to live my life without him....kung ndi nya nakita ang WORTH ko, eh ano?marami pang mas deserving jan...marami pang ta0ng nagmamahal sa kin who will never leave me and drop me like a mush potato....i even learned to fight for myself...pursue my happiness, my life.....i can tell them that i'm happy being alone and without a guy in my life...i'm happy exploring things....ndi nman kasi ako nag-iisa eh..i have a lot of people who loves me more....more than i thought they can love me...siguro sila ung mga FEW people who appreciate me and consider me as one of their treasures....at the end of the day, i never lost any, i gain...i gained friends...i regain myself...the old me but a much stronger me....



dati kala ko ndi ko kaya, pero look at me n0w....happy....and enj0ying life.....even if sucks, i have hundreds of reason to love it and enjoy it...





my bestfriend erika will be happy if she reads this...she knows me well.....:)



::loving the OLD ME with plus::

choice to be happy

i'm pursuing my happiness that's why i am contented being single...my choice to be happy and leave everything in God's Hand....leave my past behind and never look back sa mga bagay na can make me feel sad.....if i will think of my failed relationship, i will be sad, and i dont want that to happen..simply because, its not worth it anymore....now that i know my real worth...questions like what had happen, what have i done wrong, should not be a hindrance for me to be happy....though for sometime, i still asked that questions....i never thought that i can survive this...for i have given up.....but then, when i look at myself....i am not worthy of what had happen......if he doesnt recognize my worth it, fine....because i know, there are people who are more than willing to love me, take care of me and never hurt me..... a friend told me that i'm someone who wanted to rush things...that's kinda true....when that unexpected day happen, all i want is to move one and forget...i dont want to bear the pain for long...because i know if, it takes so long, i will be hurt...i will cry till i'm tired of it....there are times when i told that person to just kill me instead of what he had done...thanks to him, i am a better person....a much stronger and tougher one...someone who wont easily give up...someone who knows how to play her game....







i just hope one day, he still consider me as one of the most important person in his life (well, as what he said) and still consider me as his friend....our relationship as couple has ended...now that i have learned to move on and live my life without him for quite sometime and now i know that his happy just like me...i hope our friendship never ends this way......i dont want to lose someone who became my brother and my companion for the past 3 years...if our friendship means nothing to him...perhaps, as my friend tol me, i should forget, .......the way HE DID....

an open letter...again

no one,
i was thinking of things and life...how my perception in life change? how my life actually change....i admire those men who are honest but then the probabilty of this are too small.....i keep asking myself, men usually forget things easily..men took everything they wanted and leave us empty handed..leave us with nothing....its hard to generalize men, but that what seems to be the truth..(for my own opinion, i guess!?)

i know this person for quite sometimes....but after what had happen, he doesnt seem to know me...why is it so easy for someone to forget? questions still haunt me...and i'm getting tired of this...even our friends notice that he has change..(in a way of our friendship i guess...) perhaps, he's thinking that i am still hurt..but i'm not...it seems that i haven't influence him... end of this....



my sleepless night are yet over.....my insomia is back...i'm doing everything to sleep early but then no effect....i listen to mellow music...read books......etc...i don't know what else to do...i want to adjust my body clock but what else can i do.......i'm tired....i'm sleepy at noon time.....:(