i'm insane

i'm not okay since then...many times i felt like floating... ndi na nga ako nag-iisip eh... pinag-aalala ko ung mga tao sa paligid ko... i've done things na ndi ko dapat ginawa.... ndi ko lam, ndi ako makapag-isip ng matino..masama ba na umaasa at masama bang humingi ng chance... nasasaktan ka na dahil wala siyang ginagawa -- na wala kahit na anong salita na naririnig sa kanya kundi ayoko..... na sa ng nangyari, gusto mo man lumaban pero ung taong pinaglalaban mo umaayaw na..... siguro walang makakaintindi sa kin...


nahirapan lang ako tanggapin un dahil wala naman problema eh... bigla na lang nangyari... i just don't want to regret one day na wala akong ginagawa to survive it..... ndi ko lam kung mahal pa rin nya ko, ndi ko lam.... ndi ko rin alam kung mahal nya ba ako o naaawa na lang siya sa kin... ndi ko rin alam kung san patungo ang lahat ng ito, umaasa na lang ako na magiging okay ang lahat at kahit ndi madali bumalik sa dati, MAGHIHINTAY AKO... tulad dati.... TULAD DATI....kahit ndi na tulad ng dati, kahit may mabago, ndi naman maiiwasan ang pagbabago, basta maging masaya lang KAMI pareho... gusto ko lang maging masaya sya...


sa totoo lang ayoko na mag-isip pa ng ibang bagay, ang gusto ko na lang ay maramdaman nya na masaya ulet siya.... ndi ko kasi maramdaman iyon eh... basta alam ko... IT TAKES TIME...just have to wait for the right time...

Pain still Strike!!!

i don't know where to pick up myself from this dilemma… its been a week since then… yet things are still complicated… I still don’t know what to do… i just couldn’t find a word to describe what I’m feeling now… I’m beginning to hate my self.. I don’t know what happen to me these past few days… I’m being too paranoid…can’t help but cry at night….

Being with him for the past 20 months is the best thing happen to me… just can’t help but smile for those times that we two laugh for a simple reason.. how we have help each other in times of problems…

Sometimes I ask myself, what went wrong.. what have I done?

I consider this as a TEST… To make this relationship grow much stronger…. I just hope, with God’s help… in due time, i will be able to forget the past and move to the next level… and continue what we have started. A very beautiful start deserves a lasting relationship, right? Am I asking too much!!!

TEST... TRIAL

masakit pala na isipin, ung akala mo na ok lahat, tapos ndi pla... pero wala ka magawa kundi iaccept ang lahat simply because you love him and its enough that you trust him... i just hope it wont happen again...

i'm thankful that somehow he told me about it and though it may hurt us both, he knew na yun ang makakabuti para sa aming dalawa... wala naman ako ibang nasabi sa kanya kundi mahal na mahal ko xa.. na ibinibigay ko ulet sa kanya ang tiwalang ibinigay ko sa knya noon...

now.....................

back to zero ulet kami..pero ok lang.. pasalamat lang talaga ako kasi ndi agad xa nggive up... na ndi nya agad ako isinuko... una palang ito sa pinakamalaking problemang na-encounter namin sa relationship na to...lam ko na dahil dito mas tumatag pa ang relationship namin... na mas minahal namin ang isa't-isa...

drama na to, pero totoo naman eh..... i believe "LOVE MOVES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS".....

dy, love you so much!! and you know that...

envy............................... bakit ba?

hindi pa rin pala nawawala ang salitang ENVY sa akin... i thought kaya ko na, na makita sya, with her beautiful smile, angelic voice. Hindi pa rin pala mawawala ang envy.... Wala pa rin siguro akong sinabi kapag sya na ang itinapat sa akin!!! i have nothing... i'm not beautiful, wala akong magandang boses...

Complaining to much..... i just don't know what to do... seeing her again even in pictures make me feel small...

I HATE BEING THIS WAY!!! I HATE BEING ENVY!!!!

hApi 0n mY biRthdAy

yAp, s0brAng hApi... Y? bEcAuSe i ceLebRated mY biRthdAy with 3 of thE m0st imp0rtAnt pers0ns i hAve in mY liFe... my MOM, my BROTHER and my BOYFRIEND...

my boyfriend i and ate lunch together, tapos sinundo ako sa w0rk, then kumain ulet.., then binigay nya ung gift nya sa kin?, then we went to Sam Miguel Food Shop to eat ICE CREAM... hmmmm............. tsarap!!! =)
late at night, my mom cooked SPAGHETTI for US (ME and Roxanne, kabirthday) hehehehe, with CAKE from MYRA (whew, special mentioned, Mymy) hehehe, tnx to y0u My for the delicious cake... hehehe

this is one of the most special birthday i celebrate my whole life and i will never forget that!!! i'm happy being with my mom and brother, and with my daddy_k0h!!!
i'm so much to tenk you God... you have blessed me with so much blessings last year and i know you will continue to shower all of us what we deserve.... You've keep us safe from all dangers and sickness... I thank you Our Dear Lord, for loving me and all of us unconditionally... No words can discribe You and GREAT You are... Love You God... and as always, THANK YOU!!!

*************************************************************************
Thank you po sa mga nakaalala sa birthday ko...!! tnx po ng marami!!!! =)
i appreciate p0 tAlAgA at naalAlA ny0 birthday k0h!!!

after all i've said and done......

I, for so many times, a childish, immature and insensetive....He's understanding, patient and very kind... should i let him go...? when there's no room for forgiveness, he does..... i have so much to thanks to you, 'dy!!!

*********12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12****************

Thank God we're ok n0w!!! i mean, much much OK and much better, i guess? there's no need for long talks..... a single and tight hug and assurance that things will be ok and things just get better... we just have to be strong for each other, especially me... because i am the WEAK one..... Thank God that my daddy_koh never fails to understand....(i just hope ndi xa mapagod... and i wont let it happen, right 'dy?) i promise that i will do my best (yeah, my very best to cope with changes....for nothing in this world is constant but change....)

silly, i almost broke up with him, i never thought (that night) that i'm hurting him.... i just hope dy, you understand (i know you do....) and i hope its not to late na ako naman ang bumawi sa lahat lahat... nakakaguilty talga, kasi sobrang bait nya at i know how much he loves me, tapos ganun pa ang gagawin ko....

basta dy, tnx sa lahat lahat, at sana makabawi ako sa y0 sa lhat ng mga nagawa ko!!!!!

wat kind of girlfriend i am?

wala akong kwenta, i dont deserve some one like him..sobrang haba ng pasensya, sobrang bait... as in lahat lahat na... napakawalng kwenta ko... i should be thankful sa lahat lahat ng gingwa nya... i should be strong for him and for our relationship..... sobrang liit na problema, nagiging malaki dahil sa kin.... i dont deserve him, yet, he's always there for me, and made me realize the things i have.... pagkatapos ng lhat ng ginawa nya for me.... wala talaga..... i can not ask for more for i know i have the best... but what am i doing....? what have i done?

STILL IMMATURE, SELFISH, INSENSITIVE...


Wala akong kwenta....

i'm so sorry........ i hope its not too late.......................... ='(

SAVE YOUR FILES

damn, i felt so stupid!!!, kanina pagdating ko( or maybe an hour ago pagdating ko), may dumating na customer, nagpapagawa ng invitation para sa christening... so we accept it... then, i started lay-outing kung anong design according to his taste.. waa nag-error ang photoshop, halos tapos na ung invitation.... stupid of me, i forgot to save it.... ndi ba napakatanga ko....? i work hard for it.. ndi ako masyado marunong sa photoshop, kaya ganito na lang ang frustration at galit ko sa sarili...i even redesign it, after he left kasi may klase pa daw xa, (he is a teacher...) kakahiya talga!!! i made it for almost an hour.. if only marunong talaga ako ng ndi lang basic ng photoshop i should have done it ng mas madali.. at sana naisip ko na mag-SAVE... stupid, tanga talaga.... =)

love love love

Hayyy!!!!!! Napakadameng taO ang naghahanap ng
Pagmamahal... Minsan Kala mO...
KayO na para sa isat isa..
Kala mO sapat na lahat ng ginagawa
MO para sa kanya..
HalOs kalimutan Mo Na sarili
Mo para sa KAnya.

Andyan Ung sinasabihan Ka Ng mga
Kaibigan Mong
TANGA
BOBO...
MANHID..
MARTIR..
pero D mO pa dIN maiwan...
Andyan ung ginag*go ka harap hArapan
Pero kaw nmn Cge Ka pa din...
Tapos..
PAGTAPOS NG LAHAT... Ang Ending
IIWAN KA DIN PALA....

Putchang pagmamahal yan..
bakit kelangan pa maranasan db...
Kung pwede nmng hindi..
kung pwede nmn magisa ka habang buhay....
mahirap talaga magmahal.. masaya na malungkot..
na mahirap.. na masarap... MASAYA...
kase ndi ka magisa masarap
ung pakiramdam na may NAAALAGA SAYO...
May NAGAALALA PARA SAYO...

MalungkOt pag dating nung tym
na kelangan mO na lUmayO sa taOng mahal mO...
ung Kahit mahal MO cya Kelangan MO cyang Pakawalan..
Lalo Nat MerOn Ng Ibang
Taong MAgmamahal Sa Kanya...

Mahirap.. Kapag Lahat ng taO SA
paligid MO ayaw sa Taong mahal MO...
Ung tiPong
YOU AND ME AGAINST b**chES.. Este THE WORLD...

MASARAP... lalO na pag
nararamdaman mOng mahal ka din
ng taOng mahal mO...

Hayy Pagmamahal...
Minsan Kahit na ganO kahirap
ang sarap sarap maranasan..
ung tipong.. lahat igigive uP MO para sa taOng mahal mO..
ung tipong papakita Mo sa kanya na Mahal na mahal Mo cya...

Andyan ung susuway ka sa mGa Magulang Mo..
Andyan Ung magrragOunded Ka
at magatatagO ka sa sulOk pa
bulOng buLong ka pa habang gamit ang
wireless fOne nYO habang nakikipaghagikgikan
ka sa Bf/Gf mO..

ANDYAN ung May Nagmamayari na sayO..
PerO may Nakilala kang Iba Na
nakitang Mong mas magiging masaya ka..
kung baga napakanta ka ng
" BAKIT NGAYON KA LANG DUMATING SA BUHAY KO " haha...

Andyan Ung bigla ka na lang
mapapangiti habang nasa sasakyan ka
dahil naalala mo ung nakakatawang
panyayari sa inyong dalawa...

andyan din ung kahit ayaw
sayo ng buOng pamilya Nya
Ipingalalaban Mo pa din cya...

Andyan din ung kahit malayO kayO sa isat isa..
Pinipigilan Mo sarili
Mong maghanap ng iba kase ayaw
Mo cya masaktan

PAra nmn sa mga ASa Chat..
KAKAIN KA SA HARAP NG PC...
MATUTULOG KA SA HARAP NG PC...
PINAGPAPAWISAN SA HARAP NG PC...
HALOS UMIKOT BUHAY MO KASAMA NG PC MO...
hehe.. mahirap db...

anO nga ba Kase Ang Pagmamahal..
panO MO ba malalaman Pag Ung taOng mahal mO..
ehhh Un ung tamang taO na dapat Mahalin...
DApat Ba Pag Nagmahal ka ndi ka masasaktan??
DApat Ba Pag nagmahal ka Laging maSAya??...
Ikaw?? panO ka ba Magmahal??
At anung Klaseng taO ang kAya Mong mahalin???
Saka Bakit Ang hirap Kalimutan NG taOng Mahal mO...???

DAmeng Tanung..
Me sagot nga Ang hirap nmn intindihin..
Ang hirap i explain...
BASta Nararamdaman MO na lang..
TAPOS... hehe sabi nga Nila..
Ang Pagmamahal daw ndi pinapaliwanag... PINAPARAMDAM... >>
kelan Mo ba huling pinaramdam sa
taOng mahal Mo na mahal na mahal Mo cya?? >>

Kelan ka Gumawa ng Isang Special na bagay PAra sa Kanya?? >>
Kelan Ba ung Huling Sabi Mo Ng MAHALAGA KA SAKIN...???

Hayy pAgibig MAgulO..
Ayaw MO gustO ka..
GustO MO.. Ayaw ka...
Bakit May Iba nmn Hindi makuntentO....

Pagibig PAgibig... nakakalito..
NAKAKABURAT... nakakapraning..
PERO MASARAP....


HINDI NMN MAHALAGA NA NASAKTAN KA DB...
NA MINSAN SA BUHAY MO NAGMUKHA KANG TANGA..
ANG MAHALAGA NATUTO KAng MAGMAHAL
AT MAY NATUTUHAN KA SA MGA NARANASAN MO...


(from http://pinoy-designz.net forum)

1 Corithians 13:4-13

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

i miss my high school friends!!!

whew, i had i dream last night, and i was pretty sure that i really miss my high school friends.. my bestfriend Erikah!!, my bru friend Rose, the nagger Jona (the married one, hehehe), the small one, (ndi na ata sya tumangkad) Marvin, the tall one (xa talga ang halatang tumangkad sa amin) Arnel, my ever loyal manliligaw (hehehe, joke lang kuya) and the quiet one, Jan...the naughty one, Mark,... hay miss ko na kay0 talaga!!! h0pe to see you soon, i really missed all of you.. my dream last night, brings back the memories that i really miss doing... our laughs, our kulitan time, our asaran time, guz i really missed all of you!!!

check out our pics before: hehehe :-}

e2 na ngayon ang best ko...ang beauty queen naming magkakaibigan... ganda db?
e2 naman si marvin, yung kasama nya, gf nya.... finally he found the one.....
kami naman e2 ni bru rose, feel magcube, hehhehehe taba ko nung hs ako... hehe every one tinutukso ako dahil mataba ako...

15months and still.......

August 12, 2006 - our 15th monthsary... yes 15 months...whew, he's been so nice and sobrang mahal ko xa.....I know you knew h0w much!!! coz I may n0t be the prettiest girlfriend you've been with, but all i have is a promise to love you.... I may have been a hardheaded, stubborn, childlike attitude, or even a pain in your neck, you know that I always wanted to change not just for this relationship to last but for me to become matured and be good enough for you because I know you deserve "MORE"... you've always been such a blessing... I always thank God for you, as much I am thankful of the life He as given me and the life I have with you.. and you know that I am afraid and still don't know what will happen if I lose you... I love you!!! you know my promise, I am ready for FOREVER!!!!!

a promise and a friend

two topics in a row

I promise I will not put myself down....That's a promise to be keep talaga!!! I promise!!!! I don't have any regrets, I h0pe I can survive this, I know in time I can make it!!!! I just have to have to accept that I can't do it (that certain thing I guess!!!) I just have to accept the fact that nasanay na naman ako for that matter... but I love it!!! I really do.....

a friend will be leaving any time soon...I will definitely miss her...she's leaving for Dubai (too far!!! ("_") waaaa!!) she's one of the people whom i treasure and love so much!!!! i just h0pe she will remember me and still have communication when she leaves with his brother... i will miss her talaga!!! her smile, her laughs, her "masakit sa tenga na boses kapag tumitili" (its a joke but quite true, mejo masakit per0 not annoying *wink*) just email me if you feel like you wanted to see us or be with us, i will always be here for you, still....i will miss you sis!!!!!! be good and take care ok!!! lab yah sis!!!!

Ikaw - Brenan Espartinez

Ikaw

I

Kailan kaya maibabalik ang nakaraan

Ngayong aking puso'y puno ng kalungkutan

Subukin man ang magmahal

Umibig pang minsan kahit sa pangarap man lang

Chorus:

Ikaw ang tangi kong mahal

Ang laging kong dasal na sana ay matagpuan

Ikaw, hangang sa kailanman

Hindi magsasawa na magmahal kahit nasasaktan

II

Hiling ko lang sa maykapal muli ay makamtam

Tamis ng pagsuyo kailan mahahagkan

Hinding hindi ipagpapalit kahit kanino man

Asahan mong maghihitay

Ikaw ang siyang buhay!

Chorus:

Ikaw ang tangi kong mahal

Ang lagi kong dasal na sana ay matagpuan

Ikaw, hanggang sa kailanman

Hindi magsasawa na magmahal kahit nasasaktan

Wala ng hahanapin pa...

Wala ng iibigin pa kundi

ikaw...Ikaw...

Ikaw ang tangi kong mahal

(Ang lagi kong dasal na sana ay matagpuan)

Ikaw, hanggang sa kailanman

Hindi magsasawa na magmahal kahit nasasaktan

SobrAng gAndA ng s0ng na 'to!!! ;-) h0pe you enjoy it as much as i do!!!! OPM S0ng Rulez!!!

editing

whew, it been a long time since i edit my first ever website i made....well its not beautiful but its quite ok naman...!!! i'm not so creative as compare to my other classmate, ahihhi, but i made it myself, as in myself, i do ask for some advise but i make it myself...(hehehehe pointing out na ak0 talga ang gumawa db? ahhihihih) h0pe y0u'll appreaciate it as much as i do....tnx!!!!!

kulet talga!!!

kULet ng daddy_k0h n0h!!! yan ung picture na kinuha gamit ang cel ni myra...eh bigla ba naman ganyan ang type nyang mode for that day!!! kulet talga!!! he never fails to make me smile... tulad na lang kagabi, before sya umuwi, tumawa na lang ak0 ng tumawa dahil sa kanya, would you believe that... sakit ng tiyan ko after that!!!! tingnan ny0 nmn ak0 yan, smile na kung smile db? eh sya wala mgawa kaya ganyan ang mukha!!! makulet p0 talga xa... per0 cute ng picture na yan!!!! hehehe like k0 talga yan!!!

i'm g0ing crAzy =(

how could i possibly erase the thoughts i have in mind... ? ndi ko man lang makalimutan un... i'm afraid i can't keep the promise... well i can...its just that i'm having a second thought about it... well he said we can, then we can...

here i am, walang magawa kundi pagblog....wala masyado ginagwa at wala ring customer!!! trying to think of the possible thing i can do to erase the thoughts that keeps running in my head...whew.....

wala makakaintindi sa kin...mer0n sigur0..si daddy_k0h???? waaaaaa, prang i might explode anytime...!!!!

CHA-CHA

have u watched the CHA-CHA Urong o Sulong? well, i have watched the 2nd part, and i regret i haven't watched the 1st one...most of us, ndi alam ang ibig sabihin ng CHA-CHA or kung ano ang ipapalit sa Presidential System ...na gustong palitan ngayon..meron pa silang tinatawag na unicameral at people's initiative...ndi ko maitindihan noong una...kung bkit gusto ng mga nakaupong officials na baguhin ang constitution ng Pilipinas...ndi ko nga rin maintindihan kung ano ang unicameral or or Parliamentary System, until CHA-CHA Urong or Sulong on ABS-CBN aired last night..ndi ko man maintindihan lahat ng mga pinag-uusapan dun, ang naintindihan ko lang is, marami ang benefits or mas lalawak pa ng power ng mga nasa katungkulan..Meron pa silang sinasabi na BAKA NO-El (no election) sa 2007 at BAKA sa 2010 na.. ... marami pa akong hindi maintindihan.. eh pano na po ang lahat ng tao sa Pilipinas na ndi talaga alam ang lahat....alin nga ba ang mas nararapat...

eh sa ngayon madami pa rin ang mga taong walang trabaho...mabababa na rin ang antas ng edukasyon...napanood ko sa 24 Oras ang tungkol dun.. hay, pahirap na nang pahirap ang buhay.. dati nung napasok pa ako, wla akong iniisip kundi ang humingi ng allowance at kung anu-ano pa..ndi ko naiisip ung hirap ng mga magulang ko..per0 n0w na nagwo2rk na ako, ramdam ko na rin ang hirap ng buhay..hirap magbudget ng pera, ndi mo lang kung pano mo pagkakasyahin un sa mga gastusin..waaa wala na ata pag-asa....

ito po ay ung sa AKIn lang...ung kung ano ang nasa ISIP ko...

i'm afraid to be alone

i'm afraid to be alone...wake up in the middle of the night without someone...jaz lyk wat happen at 12 midnight, i woke up, i feel so empty, i'm afraid...i dont see my brother i grew up with my lola, i used to sleep with her and my cousins, thats why i'm afraid to be alone in one room... i never get to used with that.....i'm weak in that sense....i really want to cope with that but i'm having a hard tym dealing with that...maybe i do have an autophobia or a monophobia or maybe Cleithrophobia.... or Cenophobia i really dont want to be alone...that all...

remember

my "ate" pays me a visit jaz this afternoon with her 2 children.. brandem and nina...how i miss yhem... nina knows how to speak na, the last time i'm with them ndi pa siya maalam magsalita...good thing nasa mama na nina silang dalawa... they used to be with their tita..mau nagyari kasi na unexpected kasya ganon...and now i'm happy knowing that they survive...

i miss you brandem and nina... hope to see you both again sometime..mwah