hoping

pwede kayang maglaho muna ako sa buwang ito, mawalan ng nararamdaman at mawalan ng pakialam sa ibang tao? yung tipong maging masaya lang sa buong buwang ito.. yung masaya talaga.. yung hindi na ako malulungkot o iiyak bago makatulog...? Yung MASAYA talaga na tagos hanggang sa kaluluwa ko.. Hindi naman yun nabibili ng pera pero bakit ang hirap hirap ng ganito.. Kahit ngayong APRIL lang.. kahit 30 days lang, sana ibigay na sa akin.. kung kailangan kong mag makaawa para makuha yun.. kahit ngayon lang buwan na to.. gusto ko lang maranasan ulet na hindi na masaktan...

if only

If only i have reasons not to give up. I will not.. Its painful and there are times that I jst break down, no one to comfort me when I badly need it.. If only I can feel that I am loved. If only there is someone who will hug me in times that I feel so bad.

Sa nangyayari sa akin ngayon, feeling ko wala ako makuhanan ng strength - ke sa trabaho, sa bahay sa lahat. Dumaraan ang araw na parang wala namang nangyayari sa buhay ko.. Pinipilit ko na laging ngumiti at maging masaya, pero lagi may dumarating na nakakapagpalungkot sa akin..

Ang alam ko ngayon, bugbog na bugbog na ako.. Pagod na at gusto ko ng mag-give up.. Nakakapagod pala..


Bakit ganun? Ang hirap hirap maging masaya... Yun lang naman gusto ko eh..

crazy robot

Beyond my crying days, I am still blessed, I am able to see God's blessings within my FAMILY... No one in the family suffer illness, I believe we're all healthy.. I do not question God's plan for me, for my life, for my future career/job and for my heart..


I still am suffering for some pain that I caused for myself- yes I am blaming myself for letting me feel this way.. I was searching for things that wasn't meant for me. I am alone, I am hurt, I am so down, I am in a scattered life and broken dreams. In midst of all the things that bruised the whole me, I am positive of moving on..


If only I could turn back the hands of time - if only.. It's just too painful that somehow I am thinking for giving up. I really wanted to give up, but I know in bruised and deepest part of this heart, I still believe I can raise and be happy. It thought me things at first I am too blind to see and believe - TO LOVE MYSELF MORE.


And I was too blind to see that for some I am just toy, a sideline, a NO ONE.. It hurt every little pieces of me.. It kills every little pieces of my heart. It feels like every day I am living for nothing. Every day I live like a ROBOT.. I am trying not to give up, but where and do I have reasons not to?

inspiration

just read one of my favorite blog & blogger (superbianca.blogspot.com - Bianca Gonzalez), and she said "inspiration is everywhere!". For the past days i feel like i'm floating, i am as always inspired and encouraged with her words. I believe in her and I idolizes her so much. She is just amazing. The problem with me is even though inspiration is everywhere, i only have my beloved family... and now that my family is facing some life-changing moments I can't tell them how i feel. Deep inside I'm wounded, I am not okay, I am in tears before I go to sleep.. It's all my fault and i made my life like this.. I keep asking myself "am I a bad person?" "am I not deserving for love, attention & happiness?" yes, I need to feel loved, i need attention and i wanted to be happy.. There are times that I just want to stay at home and sleep all the time, in that way, i would not be hurt, i wont be able to think anything, as they say, sleeping is a form of escape aside from it is a form of rest.

i'm so numb..i feel so alone.. there are times i really wanted to give up, but every time I do, I always thought of my family and friends who love me so dear.

God, what will i do? what do YOu want me to learn?

life unlived.

Living my everyday for a quite long without a "LIFE" to enjoy. Things just come and go, i actually going with the flow of my boring day. I worked, go h0me, worked again and stay home after.. A lifeless in my generation, what a life! I regreted not having t00 many friends t0 be with even just for weekends, its not that I don't have friends, but most of them are BUSY [and I am the one who's stuck with my boring life].. I am s0 bored and so I did something to add spice in my habitual life. And so I succeed. I feel happy yet I'm not, confusing right? It happen that i'm happy that it change my "habitual life" yet i can't sleep enough because of the thought of it. And without even thinking, it will "pop" into my mind and made me stop. Nakakabaliw.. It was my fault. I can't change the fact that what I did was wrong and yes - VERY wrong.. I wasn't sure of what I am feeling, feels like every day I have to live my life with it. It will take TIME, i really mean TIME so i can't move forward.. I do't REGRET it but yes it was so wrong..


All i can see now is a four corner of a room with just me. Alone.

It takes time para makabalas ako.. When and how, i don't know... Feel wasted all the time..

What is the purpose of my existence?

Mystery of Life

I made decisions that hurt me. I tried to bounce back higher from my downfall. It’s just too hard but I tried, even I did not succeed at first I still want to try till I get the dose of success and peace of mind.. I cried not because of I regret the decision I made but because I know I hurt someone else. Not in my intention. I thought i just need that to know s0mething that will make and break what i have started.. I have no one to blame but myself. I repeat - NO ONE but ME.. I am searching for signs s0 i can move forward after this..


see the pregnant woman at the left.. and asking why this is the picture in this blog entry? well, it' just that, two special people in my life will be a future mother in time.. just excited for both of them.. i wish them luck . I am wishing although of having my own child, my salary and my situation would not permit me to and God has other plans for me..

i always thought how patiently a mother take good care of her baby for the first time she knew she was pregnant, when she first felt the baby in her womb , until she give birth.. Til the child first walk, first word to say, and a lot of first.. how wonderful..?

journey to love again!

I am moody.. I love to laugh.. I love to cry.. I love being taken good care.. I love to tell my story.. I love to listen.. I love to share my love.. I love to be loved.. I just want to be love.. to be respected..

I will love again.. but first I will teach myself to trust again.. to take risk again.. because I know I will love the same or much more.. I just need to learn and teach myself that there is a certain person that will come into my life that deserves to be trust and that person deserves the risk I would take. Who ever that person would be… I am willing to take my chances… I am willing to take the risk… I am willing to cry if I have to.. I am willing of everything just to be loved… just to be respected… treating me as his life is too much to ask… what I want to is that I am not just an option but one of his priority.. not a toy to display or to be play but a friend, counterpart, best friend and soul mate… it may sound as if it is so much to ask but more than anything, when romance is already gone, friendship and respect remains…

I just love to be loved.. treating me special in his own way.. telling the world that I am his girl.. the love he has long been waited.. tell his friends that I am the ONE… not just the ONE but the RIGHT ONE.. and I will do the same.. I will tell the world that I am bless that, I have that special person in my life.. someone who brings out the best of me and vice versa..

I believe that I have so much love to share with specific person.. who would it be?

Please take the journey with me till HE comes...

finally

finally i decided to post for new entry... every time i logged-in, click the 'create', stop for a moment and logged-out.. i can't find words, i can't start a single word for an entry, and so finally i decided to write..

two weeks ago, i went t0 manila for my interview, unfortunately, i am not qualified because I am a Vocational Graduate, but offered me to work as a Telemarketer, but still they have to evaluate my resume if i am suited to the j0b.. i lost my hope and went back to work. . first time i travel alone. i was very nervous but it is a very challenging experience for me.. s0 i bond with Mam Noreen, Jackie and Ai after that..

these are the things / people / places i encountered in Manila for 4 days:
Korean Girls, Gentleman at the MRT, Sirang Skirt, Jolibee, UP Diliman, Apak sa Paa, Federal Land, Taxi, Elevator, MMDA

(to follow other things)


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Kung ikaw ang nasa katayuan ko, walang mga kaibigan na available to be with in times you just want to be with them, laugh with them, cry with them, tell everything you really feel and think..There are times when i really wanted to be with someone.. someone who will take me to a walk, a have long and worth-while conversation. someone i can tell everything i am in.. some0ne who will understand.. someone i can lean on when i feel so weak.. someone i can call even in a wee hours of the day.. someone i can be with when i need a companion. someone whom i can be myself. is it too much to ask for it? its been a long time since i have one.. even n0t a boyfriend or any thing. .. even not in a romantic way.. all i'm asking is, i wish i have some0ne..

Best Eka nasa Singapore. Si Rose, halos hindi na kami nagkakausap. Si Jackie nasa QC/Marikina. Si Ai-ai nasa QC. Si Gab may trabaho na. Si Mel busy sa school. Yung ibang friends ko, halos wala na rin ako balita..


All i need is attention and have THAT someone..

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O.T.

My condolences to the family of the great master rapper Francis Magalona...

You Will Never be Forgotten.